Notes on Gratitude

I have been considering why people feel gratitude (or don't), and also why people like to be thanked. I'm not talking about sending Thank You cards after receiving a birthday present, but more a general view of life and interdependence. I recently read Thanks, by Robert A. Emmons, Ph.D. I am affiliated with a variety of volunteer organizations and have often wondered what motivates people to volunteer and why some need to be thanked often, but others do not. I have also observed a wide range of client behavior, ranging from enthusiastically praising a volunteer's efforts - hugging her, and blessing her repeatedly - to open hostility at what was brought and the person who brought it.

An interesting section of Thanks notes that grateful recipients of benevolence feel better about themselves. They feel "esteemed and validated when they perceive that another person has provided them with assistance." People out there DO care, after all! Repeated benevolence can lift depression, even when their personal circumstances don't really change. At Meals on Wheels of Germantown, we have seen how delivering Meals on Wheels to a client has improved their outlook enormously, and not just because they have a steady source of nutritious food. They are inevitably cheered by the folks dropping off their meal, even if they don't chat or visit for long. Over the course of a few months, it can sometimes lift depression and boost their overall health remarkably.

The neat thing is that the volunteers feel the same way. They are being validated by their clients' happiness.

The flip side, however, is the client who is not thankful and does not validate the volunteer. Fortunately few, these clients are sometimes narcissistic, feel entitled, and/or have had unfortunate experiences in the past that make them feel they are targets for discrimination ("You didn't call me right back because I'm black."). Some have suffered so much that they can't recall anything for which they are grateful. People who feel they are unworthy of benevolence may not recognize it. Occasionally, a client has come to identify with their misfortune to such a degree that they will not feel better, as if nobody would care unless they were very ill.

Some people think they are completely independent and responsible for all of their success and achievements. They can't believe they are dependent on anyone, or that it might be okay for them to be be dependent. If absolutely necessary, they would prefer to get help from a government agency, to which they paid taxes, rather than accept "free" help from a local nonprofit, but both should provide the better service to which they are entitled. Such clients can be downright demanding of the churches to which they belong, deserving help since they've been "paying into" a congregation, as if it were some kind of money market. They are angry that they need help or may assume that a volunteer's acts of kindness were performed to make the client seem inferior. This is especially true of American men, who tend to find gratitude humiliating.

The all-volunteer group has its own issues with thankfulness. As everyone enjoys being recognized for their hard work, it often falls to someone to do the thanking within the group. If that person feels under-appreciated for their efforts and un-thanked themselves, the group dynamic can be adversly changed. The group may even disband. While this may also be true in a paid work environment, new projects, money and promotions usually fill the void for most people. It is interesting to note, however, that companies with a good group dynamic and a supportive, thankful atmosphere keep their employees longer.

Why do most people feel they should be thanked for their efforts? Many religious views advocate giving freely, without expecting thanks or reward. That's hard for most people, especially if they are spending considerable time and effort to help someone. It is not possible to browbeat people (including your children!) into being truly thankful. It helps volunteers if they understand why some people may not feel or express thankfulness. It also helps to explore their own reasons for volunteering and why they feel the need to be thanked, as well as all the positive, important contributions they make to the organization as a whole.

I think that people have to recognize their interconnectedness before they can adopt a grateful outlook on life. If you think you're not connected to everyone else, try visualizing what would happen on the highway you take to work if all those people just decided they were going to drive into you, or how many people working together it took to build the very road on which you drive. Happily, by focusing on our blessings and working to be consciously grateful for what we have, we can avoid falling into negative thought patterns and emotional distress. We can raise our "set-point" for happiness by as much as 25 percent. And, if practice doesn't make perfect, recent research indicates that the areas of the brain responsible for processing negative information show decreased activity with age - it seems most of us do mellow as we get older.


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Suggested reading:
Thanks! Emmons, Robert A., Ph.D., Houghton Mifflin Company, Boston - New York, 2007.
Peace Is Every Step, Hanh, Thich Nhat, Bantam Books, New York, March 1991.

Happy New Year!

We made it through another Holiday Giving Project! I really thought we wouldn't do it, with 912 families in Germantown on our list and over 600 of them unsponsored for December help, but it always works out. Well into December, we had hundreds of uncovered families. Parcel Plus collected toys, as they always do (Thanks, Rich!!), Toys for Tots provided hundreds of gifts, and Mother Seton Parish came through with a bumper crop of excellent toys... then Hughes Networks Systems called and offered to collect toys as well. Not only did Hughes supply enough toys to cover at least 90 families, but they delivered them and sorted them! At the last minute, Borders Books in Germantown called to say they had collected five boxes of really beautiful books, which went right into the distribution bags and out the door.

As if all that wasn't miraculous enough, friends came out of the woodwork at the last minute to help at the pickups, and even to deliver the bags that weren't picked up. Some truly herculean tasks were set (Sean and Ben, this means you!), including delivering gifts to families that had moved out of Germantown altogether.

None of it would have been possible without the space lent to us by the Upcounty Regional Services Center. We borrowed part of the former library space for a few weeks, where we collected, sorted and distributed toys. A veritable Santa's workshop!

Germantown HELP can only do what its volunteers and the greater community want to get done; once again, the holiday spirit shone brightly in our town.

Happy New Year!

Happy Holidays - The Silver Lining

Demand is waaay up for services... Germantown HELP, Meals on Wheels, county services, everything. Food donated at this time of year used to pile up precipitously, overwhelming the little pantry and overflowing into storage, lasting through January and beyond. This year, through, it's flying right out the door. Monetary donations are lower, too.

There are about 910 families in Germantown in the Montgomery County Holiday Giving Project for help this holiday season. How in the world will we be able to serve so many households? Last year, there were 680, a new record. We've blown that out...

These "uncertain economic times," though, might be good for a lot of people, including me. Oh, they're very, very hard: People are getting laid off, losing their jobs, their homes, and more. But the whole situation is making people take a good, hard look at what's important in their lives and what they need - not want. Rampant consumerism is, at least temporarily, dead. At the same time that budgets must be cut for lack of funding and services are slashed everywhere, there are more volunteers than ever in Germantown who not only want to help; they want to bring their children and the whole family along. They want to teach the next generation that you help in your community when things get tough, and the local nonprofits must facilitate their desire to help.

You'd Think You'd Get More in Montgomery County...

Most of our Germantown HELP clients expect very little and are grateful for anything they get in the way of assistance. Whether you talk to them on the phone or deliver food to their house, you are very likely to be thanked, often blessed, and sometimes even hugged. They're good people.

Sometimes, though, perhaps only once or twice a year (out of more than 1,500 deliveries), someone will say something like, "Is this all I get? This isn't very much. You'd think you'd get more, here in Montgomery County." I explain that we are a local nonprofit, not part of the county government, and that we deliver what we get through donations, for the most part. We buy milk, eggs, and hot dogs; if we can, we buy frozen juice, too. Sure, we'd LIKE to provide chicken and have room to store fresh vegetables, but we don't. We're an emergency food pantry, not Peapod.

The big question I have for these folks is, "Prior to your losing your job, when you had the money for the cars, cell phones, nice clothes and good food, how much time did you volunteer to help those in need? Did you donate to the local food pantry, to help your neighbors?" The answer is always, "No."

Fortunately, there are other neighbors who DO take the time to remember that people in their community need help. We are so thankful to them for their valuable time and donations of all kinds. If everybody living in Germantown gave just $1 to Germantown HELP, that would be the current budget for the whole year. It's not that much!

Senior Stakeholders Meeting 6/18/08

I recently attended the Senior Stakeholders Meeting on the Fiscal year 2009 Senior Budget (Montgomery County, MD). The budget has been tweaked to retain the same level of services as 2008, while accounting for higher expenses, as the cost of everything goes up. Advocacy is needed to address more funding in a mid-year adjustment.

A significant chunk of our senior funding in Montgomery County comes through the state through the Federal Older Americans Act, so contact your senator/representative: go to http://mdelect.net/ to find out information on just who that is! Also contact Gloria Lawlah, MD Department of Aging; see http://www.mdoa.state.md.us/.

DHHS has dropped some transportation services and reduced Personal Care from 20 hours to 15 hours for those needing in-home assistance. This might not seem too bad, but there is a long waiting list to receive in-home aides - it will be a problem for many clients to cut the program.

While the number of meals served at senior centers has remained consistent, requests for home-delivered meals have risen. These are most often delivered by volunteer groups (Meals on Wheels). These volunteers are starting to feel the pinch of expensive gasoline, too.

The inspection of 50 elderly group homes and small assisted living facilities will now be passed along to the state, which performs inspections on larger facilities already. The state inspectors are already overloaded, though; this isn't going to help. The elderly and infirm clients are already fragile and often don't have family or friends to advocate for them, if there are problems.

The overall population is aging; we need to put more thought into how we are to provide more services for older residents now. Please help!

Thanks,

Cindy